Sunday, January 17, 2010

The Jersey Shore- Your Guilty Pleasure

I'm back. Haven't blogged in a while, vacation suddenly started to get busy. I figured I would take some time out of my day and write, because I miss it. Being the only girl blogger on this site I figured I would discuss a topic a little girlier than most topics that the boys blog about. Although I am a hockey fan, having played for about 10 years, I still don't know much about teams and drafts (GO BRUINS!). I love movies too, but we all know Mike has got us covered with movie facts. BUT I do know a lot about television. (NOT all that late night junk because my bedtime is far earlier) I really like reality shows. Don't judge me for my trashy taste in television, I'm not who I seem. I love shit TV. Real Housewives of Orange County (and all the others), Real World, all those dating shows- I Love _____ whoever, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, IDK anything reality. The funny thing is- I hate all of those people. ALL of them. And if you knew me well you would know that I am not like a single housewife or guidette. But there is something about watching a fabulous life of a filthy rich woman who I learn to despise or a overly tanned, blowout sporting, steroidal guido who lives off of jager. I want to introduce to you a show which all of you have heard about, some of you watch, and few of you plan out your Thursdays so that you are home in time to watch it- the Jersey Shore. This show has grown on me. From day one I was mesmerized watching these tools and I want to show you why.

1. Nicole or Snooki
You all know her. Don't ever tell me you haven't watched this show because you have and you LOVE it. Snooki is actually friends with my friend from SHU which is awesome. When I first watched the show with her I hated Snooki (like I hated everyone else) but she was sloppy, WAY too tan, and she had witch hair down to her ass. Snooki’s goal is to “Move to the Jersey Shore nice, juiced, hot, tan guy”. Anyway after the first episode she started to grow on me. She fell down those stairs that lead up to the roof like I don't even know how many times and she can dance like an animal. One thing about her though is that she continuously cannot seem to find a guy to fuck. ALL she wants to do is fuck and she's had her chances... it's just never happened. Poor snooks, or snickers (whatever the rest of the cast calls her) Snooks got rocked in the face by a huge fraternity jock and then continued to somehow get herself into catfights. Also, last episode a roommate told her she didn't need to have another roll at dinner because she already had enough. Snooki has gotten quite a beating throughout this show, will someone just please fuck her already?

2. Ronnie.
There's not much to Ronnie except for his perfect body. I do not understand how these guidos can be the ugliest yet the hottest all at the same time. Whatever. Ronnie's #1 rule before he came on the show was to "not fall in love down the Jersey Shore", yeah that worked out well for you buddy. You were gun hoe Sammi the fuckin first week you were there. Pussy. He's gotten into I don't even know how many fights and recently got arrested for knocking some guy out then running down the street screaming- "That's one shot! That's one shot!" Of course he gave the cops the self defense excuse but I mean comon you fuckin BOLTED after that guy. Gimme a break. All guidos should be exiled.

3. Sammi.
Sammi "Sweetheart". Really? RIIIIGHT. I know you're not as bad as "J WOWW", but you are a HUGE bitch. How can someone run around telling everyone "I'm the sweetest bitch you'll eva meet" when you say- "This little shrimp thing is like bopping all around, on the circle and like doing her thing, doing backwards flips with her thong hanging out; her whole crotch is in the air." (talking about poor little Snooks dancing) aww, that's really sweet, Sammi Sweetheart. God, these fuckin kids need an etiquette class. Like really? Half of them aren't even kids anymore they're like 27-29 grow up already! Anyways, before Ronnie,"her number one mission is to go out, find the hottest guido and take him home" Such goals. Your parents must be proud! By the way SAMMI, I lovedddd watching Ronnie toss you on the boardwalk. Bitch.

4. Mike. "The Situation".
We all hate Mike. Everyone who watches hates Mike. His self-proclaimed name "The Situation" is disturbing. What is "The Situation" you ask? Well, his "abs are so ripped up, we call it the situation". YUP. That’s how it started then it went from abs to everything being the situation. He even refers to himself in the third person as The Situation saying that "The Situation sits at the head of the table". I am just so astounded as to how he actually GETS girls. These girls must be really stupid. I mean his daily activities everyday are gym, tanning, laundry. WHICH might I add, have come to be an acronym- GTL. "GTL baby all day". Such high goals these guys have. Besides talking a big game about fighting and such, he is the root of all problems and has yet to hit one person. They have shown him actually walking away from a fight. God, the situation. WHAT SITUATION! There’s nothing there, you 27 buddy, it’s time to grow up. I don't know.

5. Jenni or J WOWW.
J WOWW. This girl has to be the trashiest looking one on the show. She has blonde and black hair and wears the oddest sorts of outfits with the fakest of boobs. One of my favorite lines out of her mouth was- “After I have sex with a guy I will rip his head off” Well then J WOWW, I’m sure every guy in America wants you now! After cheating on her boyfriend with 29 year old DJ Pauly D, who yes, showed her his penis piercing, she decided to tell her boyfriend about what she had done and then continued to act just as slutty as before. Exhibit A of her trashiness was PUNCHING “The Situation” in the face after he didn’t walk her back to the hotel room in AC . The club ended up being in THE SAME HOTEL. Give “The Situation” a break, “The Situation” just wanted to get some sweet transvestite ass before “The Situation” ‘s night was over. But whatever, fights make good TV so I’m not complaining. She also beats bitches up so I guess she’s pretty cool in my book.

6. Pauly D. or DJ Pauly D.
Pauly is the only house member from the beautiful state of Rhode Island. He is actually a well known DJ in that state, but probably only because it is so small. He did ACTUALLY say that “Guidettes cream in their pants when they hear my music”. Your music? It’s not even your music Pauly! You’re a DJ who mixes other people’s music. EW. Anyways Pauly has a GIGANTIC tattoo down his side that says Cadillac and a huge crest with Italian flag colors on his back, plus many more. His kids will be so happy when they are grown up and looking at daddy with his Cadillac tattoos. Pauly is the FULL BLOWN guido of the house by far. He packed an entire suitcase full of hair gel and accompanies Mike on his GTL trips. Pauly actually has a stalker who’s this Israeli chick that is obsessed with him after hanging with him once. She even got him a shirt that said I Love Jewish Girls and gave it to him when he was with a group of different girls on the boardwalk! HAHA I live for this shit, it’s classic and seriously hilarious. Pauly has a tanning bed in his house at home and is just living the dream down the Jersey Shore. GOD. These people are pathetic.

7. Vinny.
I love Vinny. Vinny is adorable and your typical Italian mama’s boy. He’s a gentleman never getting into fights with anyone, but seems to sometimes get picked on by Mike. His eyebrows are perfect and he enjoys a good fist pump now and then. Because Vinny doesn’t get into too many problems on the show we don’t see too much of him EXCEPT when put his face in a woman’s fat ass and ended up getting pink eye from it. Ahhh there’s nothing better than some pink eye.

8. Angelina.
Yea. I saved her for last because she sucks. The girl left the show because of no reason, but just because she wanted too. WHY’D YOU EVEN COME THEN YOU STUPID SLUT! I WOULDA WENT! Stupid. Anyways, she considers herself to be “the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island, baby.” Cute, really cute. She continues to tell Mike- “Look at me! Look at me!” when she tries to convince him she is ALL natural. Hit the gym, chunky. Yeah you are all natural we can see it! Now put it away! Gross. HAHA I almost forgot- she told the cast to call her Jolie because normally people call her Jolie, well ya know because her and Angelina share the same name. YEAH! Along with all the other Angelina’s out there! Do you ACTUALLY THINK YOU ARE ANYTHING LIKE ANGELINA JOLIE? Fucking loser. Anyways, Angelina left the show to be with her boyfriend who didn’t really seem to care much about her to begin with- you can now see why.

WELL- if your brain isn’t bleeding by now then I hope that picture at least put the icing on the cake for you. This blog isn’t condoning any of their behavior as normal, but just to put it bluntly- it’s hilarious. I don’t think I have laughed this much during a TV show in a long time. It’s funny because they are serious, DEAD serious. Well, if you haven’t watched this show by now, you at least have to watch the finale- Thursday night at 10 on what else but MTV or (trashTV). :)

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