Thursday, November 19, 2009

8th Wonder of the World? Vending Machines

Vending machines man. Vending machines. The things vending machines put a man through are almost unexplainable. That’s why I come to this blog once again, to give my meek attempt at explaining one of the world’s greatest inventions.

There is a lot that goes into a trip to the local vending machine. First you must prepare yourself mentally as well as physically. The physical is easy. Everyone knows you bring more money than you think you will need, just incase there is that hidden snack you weren’t expecting. The mental preparation is one of the tough parts. First as you are walking towards the machine you immediately get nervous as to what the machine had last time, what you’re hoping for this time, and the eventual what she is willing to give you. As soon as you arrive you’re hit with a rush. In my case as with other pathetic humans like me we call this adrenaline, it comes at big meals and during snack times.

Bright colors! Cheesy, Chocolaty, Sour, Salty!!!! So many choices! So you’re facing the opposition now. This is when things get strange. No matter what, when you go to a vending machine you are met with disappointment. “Ah fuck they only have Fritos! I’m in the mood for pizza.” Absurd but you still say it. Once you move on from wanting filet mignon, you start scanning your options. Do you attempt the double bag of M & M’s that are stuck? It could potentially be glorious. That is, if both fall. If not we will most definitely have a situation on our hands, because you’re not letting Joe Blow get the triple bagger if you paid for it. Carefully your eyes scan the top row down to the lower half. The one rule everyone knows from birth is you never get the Certs or the Wrigley’s. Every man woman and child on Earth knows you never get them and that they haven’t been replaced since that fine machine rolled of the production line in 1972.

So now you’ve scanned the machine and you have a new problem, your friends. Immediately the peanut gallery is on your back and the heat is on. The pressure has mounted, but we’re in luck! First round draft pick- Doritos! Top right corner, B123. It’s all yours, but again vending machines are crazy. Suddenly there is an extreme rush of nervousness all over your body in that 2 seconds before the food is selected. Everyone is so worried about fucking up the number, you double-triple-quadruple check the number of your Dipsy Doodles more than you checked the answers on your Physics final. I digress.

So you have made your decision. You’ve got the number punched in. Now the longest 3 and half seconds of your life are here. You have prepared yourself for this moment for the past five minuets. It’s time for your selection to fall. If all goes well it will. But on the off chance something goes awry, your day may be ruined.

KERPLUNK!! The Doritos landed safely and Mother vending machine has provided for you once again.

Now onto the soda machines, which is a whole different animal.


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